![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nym_wibblyIn many ways, depression has been the least of my health problems. Although I'm severely affected, I've also learned to effectively manage the condition, when left to my own devices. I've been using the techniques for long enough that they've become habits and routines, and that's ideal - I don't have to wrestle with myself to make it happen. Most of the time.
The past couple of weeks, depression totally kicked my arse. I can't pin down a reason, a trigger, and I don't think it's directly related to my recent surgery. Possibly hormonal - one of my ovaries is diving towards the menopause a bit early (while the other plugs away at the 28 days business), and it seems to have been the one in charge, this cycle. Whatever the reason, I've been in the pit. Medication and mindfulness/CBT/etc keep me from suffering undue emotional distress, the self-doubt and anxiety element that I worked so hard to tame in my 20's, but the mental inertia/numbness has been a challenge to overcome. I've wanted to do literally nothing, I've overeaten to the point of disgusting (as opposed to my usual cheerful, lazy overgrazing), I've struggled to motivate myself even to turn on my computer (which is usually the highlight of my day), or answer emails from friends (ditto).
I'm coming out of it now, a little better each day. I've done a bit of (ghastly but fixable) writing; shopped for and cooked a minestrone soup from scratch; replenished my cupboard stores of food against the possibility that Brexit will continue to be led by folks with no interest in the finances of the barely-getting-by sections of the population. A few percent on the price of food is unlikely to affect politicians born into cosy trust funds, but it'd bury me unless I plan ahead.
I feel better for doing all of it, but I'd feel a lot better if I knew why this serious depressive episode happened. Other than when under too much external pressure or in severe pain, depression really has, as I said, been the least of my health problems and the one I've succeeded at managing. While I always live with it, I've more or less taken back control from it over the past couple of decades. It's scary that it got so out of control.
The past couple of weeks, depression totally kicked my arse. I can't pin down a reason, a trigger, and I don't think it's directly related to my recent surgery. Possibly hormonal - one of my ovaries is diving towards the menopause a bit early (while the other plugs away at the 28 days business), and it seems to have been the one in charge, this cycle. Whatever the reason, I've been in the pit. Medication and mindfulness/CBT/etc keep me from suffering undue emotional distress, the self-doubt and anxiety element that I worked so hard to tame in my 20's, but the mental inertia/numbness has been a challenge to overcome. I've wanted to do literally nothing, I've overeaten to the point of disgusting (as opposed to my usual cheerful, lazy overgrazing), I've struggled to motivate myself even to turn on my computer (which is usually the highlight of my day), or answer emails from friends (ditto).
I'm coming out of it now, a little better each day. I've done a bit of (ghastly but fixable) writing; shopped for and cooked a minestrone soup from scratch; replenished my cupboard stores of food against the possibility that Brexit will continue to be led by folks with no interest in the finances of the barely-getting-by sections of the population. A few percent on the price of food is unlikely to affect politicians born into cosy trust funds, but it'd bury me unless I plan ahead.
I feel better for doing all of it, but I'd feel a lot better if I knew why this serious depressive episode happened. Other than when under too much external pressure or in severe pain, depression really has, as I said, been the least of my health problems and the one I've succeeded at managing. While I always live with it, I've more or less taken back control from it over the past couple of decades. It's scary that it got so out of control.
no subject
Date: 17 Jul 2019 17:13 (UTC)From where I'm sitting, it feels like the kick-off point for this whole current ick phase was when the hospital took away your migraine drugs and you consequently had that terrible migraine.
I'm glad they did a good job with the actual surgery and after care for the wounds, but they have a lot to answer for for not listening to you when you explained how important it was that your migraines be properly medicated.
*more hugs*